Developing Myself

Current Status:

Ahem… do I have to?

Oh, right. I promised I’d be fully honest. Even here.

So… where to start?

A little “ancient history” to begin with. Due to the shyness and lack of self-confidence I’ve mentioned before, it was very late in my life that I’ve had any “contact” with the opposite sex. Not out of lack of interest on my part, but because I was simply terrified of it – and by “it” I don’t mean just sex or physical contact (actually, despite my complete lack of experience, that part wasn’t that scary… much the opposite), but everything that had to do with those incredibly weird but also incredibly fascinating creatures commonly called “girls”. Oh, and besides the lack of self-confidence and social skills, I also had absolutely no sense of style or fashion. Not that I’m much better now , but at least I have some (basic) sense of it now; these days it’s mostly a question of laziness and lack of money, instead of “whaddya mean this doesn’t look incredibly cool and stylish?”, or even “you mean… appearance is important?!?”.

Anyway, this is why, even though I was interested in girls at 11, my first kiss was at 18. Go on, laugh.

Between 18 and 21, I had a few “actual” relationships (without sex, though – I think I tended to attract people who were as inexperienced as myself, so there was always no hurry, not to mention a little apprehension), which felt to like the most important things in the world at the time, but which, looking at them now, were no more than “children playing”.

And then there was the “big one”. I won’t give any real details here, as I promised I would respect the privacy of everyone in my life except my very self, but let’s say it was a 5-year relationship with “meeting parents”, “plans for the future”, living together for almost a year, marriage, and… divorce. That’s what happens when you get married and the relationship with the “bride” is already in its death throes, kids. Don’t try this at home… or anywhere else.

After my divorce, I went through a couple of years when I was sexually available – and active, in fact –, but emotionally “dead”… or, more precisely, “occupied”, as I still loved my ex-wife and harbored hopes – naïve, of course – of reconciliation. Eventually (and painfully) I opened my eyes to reality – this was, incidentally, the time when I read Douglas Adams’ “The Salmon of Doubt” and Ayn Rand’s novels, and saw wishful thinking for the cancer that it is. Wishful thinking weighs you down, prevents your life from evolving, and is a hideous, cowardly denial of reality.

But I digress.

Anyway, the acceptance of reality as it was, instead of as how I wished it to be (or dreamed it was) was the major step to being emotionally free, and complete, and able to feel and love again. However…

… and this was something I didn’t realize at the time, or even until recently….

… something in me had changed.

(to be continued in part 6.2)

Add to:

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 9th, 2009 at 3:30 pm and is filed under My baseline, Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.