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(continued from part 6.2)
When last we left our hero, he had just admitted – a realization less than a week old – that he had unconsciously sabotaged every serious relationship he’s been in – not counting the ones he didn’t even allow to start – for the past 10 years. Can our hero defeat the twirling moustached villain and rescue the princess, living happily ever after? Or will he fall prey to the curse from the wicked fairy… again?
Ahem. Sorry about that, but I have to insert some (attempt at) humor here, to prevent this series of posts from getting too depressing. The previous one’s ending was bad enough.
Anyway, ancient history: check, and realization-that-I’ve-ruined-my-own-shots-at-happiness-for-10-years-not-to-mention-having-made-other-people-suffer: check. Where does that leave me?
In the here and now, I guess. I still don’t know exactly what I want from life, but being alone is certainly “not it”. I have nothing against open relationships or polyamorous relationships as a choice, but I don’t think I’d want them for myself, at least at this point in my life. Being “wild and free” has its attractions, certainly, but perhaps I’ve been there too long… I don’t know; it’s not that that has brought me a lot of real friends… or a lot of sex, for the past few years.
Yes, sex matters to me. A lot. I love it, and want more and more of it. Many people would be ashamed of admitting this, even with it being absolutely true for them, but I’m not. I don’t see anything dirty or “sinful” about sex, and loving it and wanting a lot of it (whether with multiple partners or not) doesn’t make one “superficial”, “dirty” (again), “of dubious morals”, “of low standards”, “a whore”, “a sex maniac”, or any other idiotic descriptions. Yes, this applies to women as well – and it’s a pity that society is still so prejudiced about sexuality, and that so many people still think having consensual sex without it leading into a full relationship “diminishes” them in some way. I love sex, and I’m not ashamed to say so, or to admit that I think about it a lot, and that I think about “getting laid”, and act on it, without having any problem with the concept. (Incidentally, what I don’t do in order to “get laid” is lie to people, or deceive them in any way. That’s just wrong; sex under false premises is almost non-consensual, in fact.)
Unlike many, I fully separate sex from feelings, and, again, I’m not ashamed to say so (unlike so many people who claim – truthfully or not – that sex, to them, “must be part of something special”… as if sex by itself was worthless, insignificant. Sigh…) That means, however, that having sex doesn’t fulfill my emotional needs. And I do have them.
And this means that I miss having someone “special” in my life. Of course, there are some potential problems here. One of them is that it’s not easy; I’m shy, with somewhat peculiar tastes and knowledge, and I’ve gone way past the age where it’s easy to meet new people of the opposite sex (meaning, studying somewhere). Working with computers, a male-infested field, makes things even worse. There are certain other methods of meeting new people, some of them online… but none are easy for someone like me.
Another potential source of trouble is that the fact that I realized and admitted what I’ve done for years doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m “cured” of it. I can look for signs of that in the future, and stop myself before it’s too late, of course, but one can never be 100% sure.
Still, the worse problem is perhaps this: that I still don’t know exactly what I want. It’s not necessarily a serious, monogamous relationship; one shouldn’t do something just because “everyone does it” and “it’s expected”. On the other hand, I still don’t know of a better alternative (for me), and that may well end up being my final choice. But I don’t know yet. And I don’t want to “experiment” using other people – with feelings – as guinea pigs.
Goals:
To find out what I want from the relationships part of my life, and to get it.
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