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Not the worst of times, but certainly also not the best.
I was never good at making friends. You already know about my personality-crippling shyness, but that’s not the whole story. One other cause is my geekiness, and my unusual hobbies, passions and tastes. What do you do when everyone around you wants to talk about soccer, and you don’t find it interesting in the least? Pretend? (I actually considered going down that path for a while in my teens, but, fortunately, honesty and integrity won out.) In fact, it was not until I went online, first by connecting to bulletin board systems and later to the Internet itself, that I discovered that there were other people in the world – and sometimes even in my town – who liked some things I like. Friendships usually (but not always) grow from common interests, so you can guess that not having any of those with virtually everyone you meet throws a wrench in the whole thing.
Another problem – and this one is wholly my own fault – is that friendships, like any relationship, need to be nurtured, or they will wither down and eventually die. And here I have to admit another big fault of mine: both because of selfishness and because of my area of work – computers –, where things are done for a specific reason, I’ve almost never called people “just to say hi”. Such a thing is simply not logical to me, doesn’t make sense… and yet now I realize that that’s a big part of maintaining friendships. I usually only start a conversation when I want or need something from the other person; that’s the “selfishness” part I mentioned. And, naturally, nobody ever likes to have a “friend” who only calls when he wants something from them. A possibly mitigating circumstance is that, in a way, this is really a part of my personality: when I want or need something, I ask, and I expect to be asked when someone wants or needs something. In my mind, not talking to someone every day, or every week, or even every month, doesn’t make me less of a friend, and it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t do everything in my power to help that friend of mine if he or she came to me with a problem… but, as I said, this is just my “weirdness”; relationships do need nurturing, and this is something I’ve recently tried to teach myself. It hasn’t been easy, but I hope to improve.
Yet another source of trouble is that I haven’t made any male friends in many years. Considering that most of them drifted apart from me – and it wasn’t my fault in every case; some people really do change for the worse with time, and there’s little or nothing you can do about that –, I guess I don’t really have any close friends of my own gender right now. This is not necessarily a big problem, on one hand; I do find women, even when there is no sexual interest, much more fascinating and interesting, so it’s natural that most of my friends these days are of the opposite sex. But it may also signify a problem, one I’ve noted and commented with (female) friends from time to time: that virtually all of my friendships have something to do with sexual attraction. It was just a couple of months ago that I was looking at my MSN Messenger contact list, and I could really divide most of it it into: ex-girlfriends, girls I’ve had sex with, girls I’d like to have sex with (or even something more), and, well, that part was it. (Of course, there’s also family, a couple of (former?) male friends, co-workers, former co-workers, and all that, but the other part of the contact list does make up the majority of it.)
In fact, only very recently did I have a couple of experiences that were virtually new to me: spending time with female friends without any attempts at sex (not that I’d have minded 
, but there really were no attempts, even verbal or indirect ones), and, most surprising of all… I enjoyed it. A lot. Yes, what is more than natural to most people was an almost new, and very pleasant, experience for me. Hope for me yet…
Goals:
To make new friends and nurture the friendships I have – though the latter part may not feel natural at first, it is the right thing to do. And to separate the concepts of “female friends” and “sex”. Friends are great, and sex is also great, but one doesn’t require the other for it to be great.
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Dear Pedro,
As per you request, in English.
«And to separate the concepts of “female friends” and “sex”. Friends are great, and sex is also great, but one doesn’t require the other for it to be great.»
More than 20 years ago, MEC theorized about what he then called “The SPAC Factor”. And what is this ?
SPAC Factor, translates to “Factor Saltar Para A Cueca”, that basically and in short, states it is impossible for a man and a woman to become *real friends*, because – both of them – will always have an eye on the other with second thoughts and at the end of the rope, a bed is waiting for them two. It stated also that after the fist fuck, no more friendship and no more sex
IMNSHO, this is very true.
– MG
Mário,
thanks for the comment.
MEC’s theory makes sense in a way, but it’s not perfect; it assumes that each man finds every woman sexually attractive, and vice-versa. Of course, that doesn’t happen. I can perfectly be friends with a woman who doesn’t physically attract me at all. Being friends with one who does, however, is more difficult… but still possible. Though I’m still early in the learning process.
Here, my experience completely disagrees with that.
Dear Pedro,
I can’t feel myself attracted to a woman that has no femininity, or in other words – who is ugly as a Marine boot can be.
[1]
Yeah, I know, it’s not polite to say this. But we are on a free space, right ?
Don’t misjudge. I just can’t feel any type of attraction for a woman who hasn’t beautiful hands, for example.
It’s something from the very inside of me.
All the rest may be there, but when the hands fail
Of course a man and a woman can *just* be friends. But, from my experience, I believe it’s *extremely hard*. And when failing (sex arises), there’s no turning back (to the *just* be friends status).
Well Pedro, different lives, different experiences, different points of view.
[1]: No, I don’t have no particular fetish with hand jobs (although I can appreciate one
).
Kind Regards,
Mário Gamito
Again, my experience says otherwise. I have a couple of good friends whom I’ve had sex with in the past, and who are now very happy in their own relationships.
Dear Pedro,
Like I said in the previous comment: «(…) different lives, different experiences, different points of view.»
Regards,
Mário G