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Since I was a kid, there were two pieces of knowledge regarding the idea of asking for help that I’ve believed in. To me, they make sense, are logical, and should never be a source of conflict. They are:
- Asking for help is OK and normal;
- Saying “no” to that is also OK and normal.
Unfortunately, in my adult life, I’ve been finding out — often to my own detriment, and sometimes with irrevocable damage to relationships — that a lot of people seem to believe the exact opposite. They never ask for help (except perhaps to their close family, and even then they feel terrible about it), and become shocked — and offended, and/or hurt — when asked.
Apparently, when person A ask person B for help, person B has two choices: either feel terrible for not helping, or feel terrible with him/herself (and resent the other person) for not being strong enough to say “no”. There are no other possibilities, it seems. Helping is something terrible, which harms the helper immensely, but saying “no” also makes the would-be helper feel like a monster; therefore, the asker committed a hideous sin just by asking, as if he or she ignored an unspoken rule or protocol: “thou shalt not ask”.
Am I so weird for believing that there’s nothing wrong with either asking or refusing? That we’re all in this together, that there should be no forbidden subjects between friends or more, that if one can’t or doesn’t feel like he/she should help, it’s perfectly OK?
I’ve seen this phenomenon for more than a decade (hi, ex-wife), and even this week I’ve talked to several people who absolutely and completely disagree with me (asking is infinitely wrong and even abusive, because it “forces” the askee to either sacrifice him/herself or feel like a heartless monster, and so on). Is this widespread? Or just a part of Portuguese culture? Anyone from outside Portugal want to share their thoughts?
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Tags: Asking for help
First things first: I’m glad you restarted writing on this blog. Keep on doing it, so we can also develop ourselves based on your experience.
Now for the post comment, I’m a little bit different than you and the majority of the other persons you refer. I don’t have problems asking for help (well, maybe except for directions, when driving) but have problems about saying no to someone who asks for my help.
On normal situations I can’t say no to requests for help.
Now, regarding the question if this is part of the portuguese culture, I don’t think this is restrained only to us. But that’s only my opinnion.
There’s no such tabu on asking for help in general as you say. There is a tabu when the help required is Money!
Anyone would gladly give you all the emotional support in the world but its not the same about money.
Asking people for money brings other issues… Often money is the cause of breakups of marriages and friendships so its a delicate issue to say the least.
Its not normal to ask friends for money, unless in a situation of despair. If that happens, then, paying when you promised you would, becomes question of honor and respect to them.
Its particularly delicate to borrow money from friends if one has a previous history of not handling money very well….
I agree with several points, and disagree with some others.
First, the taboo about asking for help in general does exist, in my experience; I still remember several instances from 10 years ago or more, and they were not related to money at all. You’re naturally thinking of the particular recent experience I told you about, but that wasn’t an exception to the rule. People really seem to think that they can’t ask for help or say no when asked. I’ve seen many reactions that seem to say “how dare you ask me for help on that, and therefore dump all that guilt on me?”.
About money, I agree with you that it’s a stronger taboo… but I disagree that it should be. Rational people shouldn’t have forbidden subjects, nor get angry when they are mentioned. If a person doesn’t want to lend money, he or she should simply calmly say “sorry, no”, and the friendship between both shouldn’t be affected in any way.
One point you didn’t mention here, but did so when last we talked, is that insisting is wrong. Here I agree completely; though I’d spare a little mercy for someone who was really desperate and asked twice. It’s wrong, but forgivable, in my opinion.
Finally, I also agree with you on another point: paying when you promised you would is the right, proper thing to do. Nobody should be harmed because they trusted us. And here I’m not perfect.
But my points in this post — which, as I said, were not directly related to that particular case — remain: making a sin out of either asking or saying no is absurd, irrational, and the sign of a sick culture.
Asking repeatedly, specially if one already missed a promised payment, probably leads to problems in a relationship. Specially if the other person shows you they’re not comfortable with you asking for money and specifically asks you not to.