Comments on: On asking for help

By: Cris

Cris — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:22:06 +0000

Asking repeatedly, specially if one already missed a promised payment, probably leads to problems in a relationship. Specially if the other person shows you they’re not comfortable with you asking for money and specifically asks you not to.

By: Pedro Timóteo

Pedro Timóteo — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 10:28:59 +0000

I agree with several points, and disagree with some others.

First, the taboo about asking for help in general does exist, in my experience; I still remember several instances from 10 years ago or more, and they were not related to money at all. You’re naturally thinking of the particular recent experience I told you about, but that wasn’t an exception to the rule. People really seem to think that they can’t ask for help or say no when asked. I’ve seen many reactions that seem to say “how dare you ask me for help on that, and therefore dump all that guilt on me?”.

About money, I agree with you that it’s a stronger taboo… but I disagree that it should be. Rational people shouldn’t have forbidden subjects, nor get angry when they are mentioned. If a person doesn’t want to lend money, he or she should simply calmly say “sorry, no”, and the friendship between both shouldn’t be affected in any way.

One point you didn’t mention here, but did so when last we talked, is that insisting is wrong. Here I agree completely; though I’d spare a little mercy for someone who was really desperate and asked twice. It’s wrong, but forgivable, in my opinion.

Finally, I also agree with you on another point: paying when you promised you would is the right, proper thing to do. Nobody should be harmed because they trusted us. And here I’m not perfect.

But my points in this post — which, as I said, were not directly related to that particular case — remain: making a sin out of either asking or saying no is absurd, irrational, and the sign of a sick culture.

By: Sayadina

Sayadina — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 02:09:19 +0000

There’s no such tabu on asking for help in general as you say. There is a tabu when the help required is Money!
Anyone would gladly give you all the emotional support in the world but its not the same about money.
Asking people for money brings other issues… Often money is the cause of breakups of marriages and friendships so its a delicate issue to say the least.

Its not normal to ask friends for money, unless in a situation of despair. If that happens, then, paying when you promised you would, becomes question of honor and respect to them.

Its particularly delicate to borrow money from friends if one has a previous history of not handling money very well….

By: José Matos

José Matos — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 23:51:02 +0000

First things first: I’m glad you restarted writing on this blog. Keep on doing it, so we can also develop ourselves based on your experience.

Now for the post comment, I’m a little bit different than you and the majority of the other persons you refer. I don’t have problems asking for help (well, maybe except for directions, when driving) but have problems about saying no to someone who asks for my help.

On normal situations I can’t say no to requests for help.

Now, regarding the question if this is part of the portuguese culture, I don’t think this is restrained only to us. But that’s only my opinnion.